During this time of upheaval and reset, I am experiencing a renaissance of sorts. A revival/renewed interest in the things I used to long for and pursue. A time of searching out truth and where I am in it. An awakening to the desires of my heart.
About six months ago, a dear friend of mine text me with a challenge. “I feel like I need to ask you something. What do you want?” The emotion that came up in me was intense. I wrote back, “What the hell does that even mean, what do I want!” I felt shattered that I had no idea how to answer her.
I was about to leave for a trip and the last thing I needed was one more thing to think about. But the question stayed with me, confronting me. I sensed somewhere along the way I got lost. No idea what I wanted. I was just going through the motions, not paying attention to me.
So, for the last six months, I have been on an adventure of learning what I want and what I don’t want. It’s been challenging, grueling, exhilarating, and exhausting. Worth every minute. Now, I can see some light and am so glad I took part with the Holy Spirit in it. Can’t even imagine doing it on my own.
One thing I’ve learned is that I’ve neglected myself. I was putting everyone and everything else before me. I began seeing what a toll it was taking on my body, mind, and heart. So, I made changes.
I began reading books on emotional neglect and how it affects us. It’s the kind of trauma that’s hard to see because it’s not about what’s happened to us, but what didn’t happen. It leaves our emotional tank empty and impacts our lives in a very unhealthy way. Online writing courses have helped me tremendously. Many of them focus on the inner healing that takes place when we write. I began pinpointing the emotions I was hiding and then finding adjectives that expressed how I felt. So freeing and empowering.
Sitting out in nature and feeling its healing effects was vital. I journaled, read, and thought about changes I needed to make and people I needed to address. I began with people who have hurt me and neglected me. But what I came to understand is that I had to address my part in the neglect. I had allowed it to happen. Not doing the second most important commandment. Love others AS I love myself.
Father God was so sweet to lead me into forgiving myself and others so I could heal. I began reaching out to people to make recompense. One thing I am pursuing is when I’ve messed up and shaming myself, to stop and ask what I would say to someone else that was doing the very same thing. An awhuh moment! It helped me see how to practice self-compassion for myself. That I was just as worthy.
One of the most important things I have learned is that Jesus paid for all of this, and God in His wisdom has given us the Holy Spirit to walk it through with. His plan is so kind and generous. What an awesome God!
I hope this has awakened a desire to search out what you want and need. Spending time on you is an investment worth making. Also, check out my resources where I share information that has helped me walk this out.
Please leave a comment on ways this blog may have touched areas in your life that need awakening.